Weekly updates on what I'm up to, may get a little repetitive and boring as standalones. So as I have previously done, I'm combining these blog posts with other thoughts etc. I've had during the week.
There is so much going on in the world. I struggle with the news.
As I've got older, I find it harder to get into news stories in the same depth I did before. Now, I find I am overwhelmed by it all. The negativity, the pain, the suffering and the feeling of hopelessness. It's gotten to the point, where I will admit, I will look at the headlines and read the subheading at most, and then I will move on. I will cherry pick articles, I am prepared to read in it's entirety, based on the subject matter and what I feel I can handle.
I was thinking about why my interaction with the news is different now. What's changed?
I think, I've learnt what I can handle and what I can't and made my peace with it. That with time, age and experience, I know what I need to do, to protect my emotional, physical and mental space and wellbeing. When I was younger, I had no barriers between me, the world and others. The mental and emotional load was a tidal wave and I was conditioned to think that was a normal part of me. It meant, I had little headroom to think and my emotions were completely all over the place and influenced very much by others and the world at large.
What changed was having children because suddenly my mental, emotional and physical load was redirected solely to them. It rewired me in the long term for the better. I had to make stark choices as to what I could handle in order to provide for them and that has made me a stronger and more focused person and less emotional.
It doesn't mean I feel less, I would say I feel more now because I have more patience and empathy. I am now able to dispassionately take a step back and think about the person I'm interacting with. That what I'm seeing and experiencing may not be everything that is happening for that person, whomever it is. I'm merely witnessing the tip of an iceberg. It doesn't mean I excuse bad behaviour but it means that I am compassionate. I don't necessarily need to be negatively affected by my interactions with others. It's not always about me, in actual fact it rarely is; so selfishly and unselfishly I can separate myself better from the energy of others.
It took me until my 30s to figure this all out and it took a fairly dramatic life change for it to occur. I don't think this is necessary for everyone. Some people just mature far quicker and have it all figured out a lot sooner. Evidently, this wasn't me!
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| We are all spinning plates. How a person presents is usually just the tip of an iceberg. |
For instance, my mental load has been sky-high recently.
It's why I started this blog. I was making lists on lists, planning what I was going to do but because I couldn't actually do anything, it heightened my mental load. I had to find an outlet and the outlet happened to be the blog. My mind was quietened by expressing myself. It also helped that I just went and actioned some of the things on my to-do-list vs. waiting. I'm fortunate I could join the gym earlier while not attending so I could book in my gym induction and plan and block out my calendar. I blocked out time for writing in my calendar and added in when the meditation sessions were on locally. All this decreased that mental load and made space for me to think of other things.
Of course, it didn't last long and my mental load is now taken up with the school run, uniform and homework etc. and trying to keep all those straight for three kids now! We are all spinning plates, different plates but all the same it's incredibly tough to keep going day in and day out. It's why for my mental wellbeing and development, I've started to write this novel which I touch on at the end.
Emotionally, I've struggled a lot with the news this week.
The news is hard because it's usually happening to other people, elsewhere. We become desensitised to it but considering it's relentless and normally negative, there is no surprise in this. We become desensitised in order to cope. It's a fine line though, between coping and losing all sense of proportion and humanity.
Three particular articles stand out in my mind this week.
My notifications pushed a BBC article about the harrowing famine in Afghanistan that is taking children's lives. It's not for the faint hearted and I cried a little. In contrast to this, is the horrific high profile rape case in France. A different kind of horror but horrific all the same. I also read an article about children in care and this is the one I'm going to focus on because, it's here I feel, I have something to contribute beyond just saying how terribly awful it all is.
Did you know, it has and is still very normal for children in the UK care system to pack their belongings into black bin bags? I have heard this before and then this article appeared that reminded me.
Belongings of care children put in bin bags and lost
It's quite a stark image. It made me think about the message this sends to these children. Imagine being given a bin bag to pack all your worldly possessions into. It doesn't make you feel valued or important. It’s very degrading. The article describes how these few precious possessions packed in black bin bags were, in some cases, misplaced, lost or possibly destroyed. It’s heartbreaking that these kids, already vulnerable, are made to feel even more less than, then they already feel. These are the children that need the most bolstering with love and yet the signals they continue to receive are one of rejection.
I guess it makes me think that regardless of age, position and everything, we should always be thinking about how we can give a person their dignity.
We all have a responsibility to treat others with empathy and respect.
We may not, as an individual, be able to solve systemic problems like this or other world issues but within our lives and sphere of influence we have a duty to be thoughtful and do the right thing by others.
Naively I’d like to think that if everyone did this, here in the UK, we wouldn’t have children carrying their possessions in bin bags any longer. Maybe we’d have a much kinder society as a result. A dream I know but a nice dream as Radiohead say...
I guess this is the problem with the news, most of it is beyond our sphere of influence and control and we feel helpless and despondent. We need to know what's happening in the world but with 24 hour news it's difficult to not feel constantly bombarded.
So yes I admit, rightly or wrongly I filter what I'm prepared to delve into in any depth. I still hope I'm evolving while I do this and I continue to figure out my part to play in the world. I think that's where the power lies for all of us.
Update
It's been a really positive first full week.
I went to the gym 3 times as planned and I'm really feeling the strength training now. I've not been joking when I said I was struggling with the stairs! I also managed a swim too. I think this has all contributed to my overall happiness this week. I can't see any bulging biceps yet but I do feel stronger and fitter for it all, even if it's psychological.
I'm failing a lot on the meditation front. The easiest of everything considering the time commitment is only a few minutes as a minimum. It seems, I'm much better at doing than I am at just sitting and being in the moment. I'm going to try my hardest to give this more priority because I always feel much more relaxed after a guided meditation. It's actually been a bit of a shock that this is the one thing I'm not able to do, for no valid reason, apart from prioritisation.
Writing is eye opening. I'm having the most fun with it and I've found time to write each day and keep on schedule. I've written around 3,400 words. The more I write, the more appreciation and understanding I feel I have for writers. I feel that writing is an extension of the writer. That it's a part of the inner workings of the writer's brain trying to figure out their thoughts and feelings on paper. I mean this blog is just that, an outward expression of me.
I realise this week that I've completely forgotten about chapters. It's just a conscious stream of writing, with grammar at least. At the start, I didn't put any title or write 'chapter 1' because I didn't want it to inflate my word count. I then plain forgot about chapters. Basically, if I write the whole book as planned, I will go back and add all these in during the edits.
I've not experienced any writer's block so far. I'm making up this sci-fi fantasy story as I go and I think as it's not some murder mystery where everything has to cleverly and neatly fit together, I'm not under any constraint. I'm actually surprised by how the story is unfolding, that I feel like I'm a reader rather than a writer.
I have read that, if you stop mid sentence or part way through an action sequence and you feel you have more to write, you'll come back able to pick up from where you left off. Meaning, you've got gas in the tank so to speak and you haven't exhausted yourself to the point of hitting a wall. So far the technique is working, though I've not been consciously doing it. I just stop around the word count I want to hit, usually a little above but never below and this naturally lends itself to this process.
I haven't forgotten about volunteering in school or teacher training. I'm getting a good handle on what I think I can take on and how much I can give. This week was pretty full on and while I can give a few hours to school, I would be stretched too thin to volunteer anywhere else and still manage all the everyday mundane things that need to happen. So it's been a reality check in terms of what I think I can get done vs. what I do. There are never enough hours in the day.
Applications for teacher training courses open on 8th October. I'll update further down the line because honestly the application process in real-time won't make for exciting reading.
This has been a bumper of a post! Clearly I have had lots on my mind this week and lots to say. I won't always, I promise.
*Featured image was created using Microsoft CoPilot Designer powered by DALL-E 3
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