Reflections on Change and this very Emotional Week

I have had very mixed feelings about 4th September.

In the run up, I'd been purposely very vocal on this blog that this was the day that a) all the kids would now be in school and b) that I had ambitious goals I wanted to achieve with the time I would now have available.

Emotionally, it's been tough. Seeing my two older boys go back to school and my youngest start school, has made me incredibly sad. You realise there is no ownership when it comes to children. That's what I've realised as a parent. You are their caretaker and their biggest cheerleader. Nurturing and guiding these little souls to independence, always from the sidelines while they take center stage. Until you are no longer needed but hopefully wanted. 

Then there is a part of me that needs space. Physical and emotional space from the kids. To not be a mum for awhile. To explore parts of myself that I've shelved, put on hold or never had a chance to look at. I will always be a mum now but I am also me, myself, Anita. When I became a mum, I as Anita, kept getting shuffled to the bottom of the deck while the necessities of being a parent took priority. 

It's been hard holding these two major but opposing feelings in my head. Enormous guilt sets in that there could potentially be some life away from the kids that have been all encompassing. This coupled with the realisation that their needs are changing with ever increasing time and they will need me less and less in such an intensive way. I could be left behind if I don't change and adapt as they grow.

Everything about 4th September, my day 1 is about change. Change is hard. Even if we welcome it, we are still wary of it. Whatever our norm is, is our safety net. It maybe terrible but it's our terrible. We know how it feels, the parameters of it, we know everything there is to know in terms of the expectations of it. Everything outside of it is scary. It's the unknown. So yes, change is hard. We are hardwired to be resistant to change, to be ready in our 'fight or flight' mode. This change was coming regardless of whether I was ready or wanting it. It was a freaking bulldozer and it was coming regardless.

So, yes it came and the world is still standing. The kids and I are very much still alive. We survived the change and I started as I meant to go on. I've been so busy, that I've had little time to think about the enormority of it all. In fact, the emotional turmoil happened in the buildup and then dissipated when it finally happened.

Oh and I'd announced to the world that I was doing all these things and that pressure on myself was immense. Self-imposed, self-inflicted pressure but pressure nonetheless.

Update

On Wednesday I did my gym induction and I spent today (Friday) doing my first gym session. I fit in a swimming session yesterday. I did a couple of very short meditation sessions using the Insight Timer app yesterday and today. I'm feeling good on the physical and emotional front.

On the mental front, I've written my 421 words per day as planned. On Wednesday, I wrote and I felt so silly and self-conscious. Like a child pretending to be a grownup. I had this movie reel in my head and I thought I could write the way that I read. If only it was that easy. The writing seemed wooden, particularly the dialogue, and in no shape or form, was like the books I read. 

However, on Thursday as I sat down to write again, I skim read what I had written. While it won't win any prizes, it wasn't as awful as I had first imagined. What I have learnt is, is not to worry about editing or even the choice of words but to merely write and get the story, whatever it is, out of my head on to the paper. 

In my panic before Wednesday, I read an enormous amount of online articles and watched videos on writing and editing. I was hoping I could absorb everything in time for when I would write. 

Anyway, what I've learnt is, unless you have something written down, you have nothing to work with. The most important thing is to write and keep writing and then the hard work begins in the editing and the rewrites. I heard this but I didn't get it. I get it now. There will be so much editing!

So I am not looking back so much, as moving forwards each day with the writing. It's early days but I'm beginning to enjoy it a little more each day. I haven't a clue where the story is going. I'm making everything up as I go along and it's actually very freeing. It's weird making up names of people, places and goodness knows what but it's also fun. It's this whole new planet in this fantasy fiction story.

The word count is completely manageable and I'm never struggling to reach it and sometimes I go over. I spend at most an hour a day. It works out about right with the way my life is and my attention span. Time for writing is blocked out in my calendar from Monday to Friday though I'm being extremely flexible with when it happens. Unlike swimming and the gym, my writing needs more flexibility and it can be so because it doesn't take up too much of my time. 

This week has also involved some training in my role as governor. I will be volunteering in school but I will leave it a week or two to see how I can best fit it in. I'm worried that too much plate spinning this early will end in disaster.

So all in all it's been a good week for us all, as the kids have settled in well at school. 

It doesn't mean I haven't had my moments of self-doubt and loathing. I have wondered if I am capable, capable of writing, of fitting in the exercise and of teaching and raising children. 

Whether I am failing someone, somewhere, including myself. 

Sometimes I think, I think too much. This week, it's been refreshing to actually act and do and get out of my head. So my only piece of advice is to stop thinking and just do something, anything, however small. In writing they call it planners and pantsers. Those that plan their stories and those who wing it by the seat of their pants. By default I'm definitely more of a planner but I do think there are many positives to being a mix of both.

I do believe that personal greatness and growth comes in many, many small incremental ways and not in the sweeping, groundbreaking ways that very few individuals manage to achieve. They are the exception not the rule. We just hear about them more loudly and think that's the only way to succeed and develop. It's not. 

It's hard to focus on ourselves alone but I find it's really important to do so. Only we lead the unique life we lead and comparisons with others will never make sense. It will only make us lose focus on ourselves and our own wants, desires and goals. 

Again, if you've read this far, thank you. I feel my real test will be doing this all week in and week out. Wish me luck!

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