'Reason, Season or Lifetime' — The Complexity of Friendships

Earlier this week, I found a surprise parcel on my doorstep. Instantly, I recognised the handwriting of a dear friend from high school. She'd sent me a late birthday present — a funny coaster and bookmark. Just the ideal gifts for me. She knows my sense of humour. It brightened my day and made me so joyful.

Photo by Anda Deea on Unsplash

It got me thinking about friendships. The types of friendships we have and the longevity of them.

At primary school, I remember, I made my best friend on the first day and we remained best friends until a new girl started in my last year of primary school. Suddenly, we were best friends and I'd told my long standing friend that we were no longer besties. When I think about it now, I do wonder what on earth I was thinking. That new friendship didn't last the school year and then I'd lost my really good friend in the process. A very early lesson learnt. 

We aren't born knowing how to make and keep friends. 

It a social skill that seems to be learnt by watching and mimicking other people when we are really young; then throughout our lifetime by the hard graft of trial, error and experience. I don't think we ever stop learning about the art of friendship. There is a subtlety about it, that depends on the dynamics of the individuals and the circumstances in which you come to meet and carry on meeting.

I don't necessarily think you can teach it. 

You can teach young children to share, take turns, be kind and polite but you can't actually teach children how to be friends. It's a lived experience that only the individual can go through. You can guide children, hoping they learn their lessons without too much hurt in the process.

I do wonder what takes acquaintances to the friendship level. 

Sometimes you meet someone and you instantly know you will be firm friends, for it to fizzle out, which is huge disappointment. Conversely, I've had it where I'm convinced we can never be friends and pleasantly we've become firm friends. 

I guess you can't always judge who will become a friend and remain one. I think it also speaks to the way we make assumptions about people when we first meet them. As humans, we all have a bias and frequently it means we misjudge others. It's like playing that game where you guess or make up someone's backstory for fun. People are surprising because we are forever making assumptions.

So what takes acquaintances to friendship? 

Shared humour and conversation, hobbies, proximity and time spent together all help to solidify friendships. Evolutionary biologists describe friendship as resting on a solid 3-legged stool consisting of longevity, positivity and cooperativity. If one of these qualities is missing then your friend may not be there when you need them in a crisis, which is the reason we have friends. Friends have each others backs and thank goodness they do. 

Friendship is so important and integral to being human. We are social beings, who need connection and loneliness comes from our lack of true connection with others. You can still be around people, but feel lonely if you don't feel comfortable and can't be open or share parts of yourself, as you would like. Loneliness has been shown to be bad for our mental and physical health. Positive friendships improve the longevity of our lives. 

Friendships come, go, stay and change depending on the stage in our lives. Some remain at the forefront and others fall into the background but are still considered friends. For me, some simply faded away due to growing up, moving, life changes etc. Also, not all my adolescent friendships were necessarily positive so they were never going to last. 

What's left are a few that have managed to weather it all from childhood. Maybe it's the memories or the love we share but I've been able to transport some friends with me while gaining other friends along the way. We don't necessarily see or speak to each other much but we understand our friendship and there is fondness there that never ever leaves. When we do get the time to talk or ever meet, then it's with such excitement. We literally pick up from where we left off sharing our lives. It's an extremely special place to be with some extremely special people. I also have friends that I made later at university, work and where we used to live. I know that when and if we got together, we'd be the same.

I am very lucky and honoured to have the friends I do. I've had times when I've really needed help or someone to talk to and they've really pulled through for me in ways I never expected.

Even the people who were friends and dropped away have added value to my life — positive, negative or neutral. Maybe less so with some of the negative ones! Generally, they've helped shape me and my understanding of others. So I try not to dwell too much on those friendships that don't last the course.  I think sometimes that line about a friend being for a reason, season or lifetime is very apt. There are those we try on for size that don't always fit where we are or later don't fit for some other reason. Usually it's a mutual thing that just organically happens. 

It's impossible to be friends with everyone we meet. The time and energy involved in making and maintaining friendships is huge. Each person needs to be committed to give the other person that time, attention and energy, to solidify that social bond, and frankly that isn't always feasible. So it's highly likely, we miss out on the possibility of some very special friendships. 

The hard part is when you are much more invested than the other person and a friendship ends. They say you can grieve the living as well as the dead. I think it's safe to say that sometimes we experience grief of losing a friendship we hold dear that ends prematurely, without us being ready or understanding the reasons why.

To sum up, good friends are vital. 

We all need them, even if we feel we are entirely self-sufficient. They provide different perspectives, support, guidance, companionship and most importantly joy. They also provide protective mental, emotional and physical benefits. Good, positive friendship is seriously good for our health and helps us live longer healthier lives. 

We get the honour of choosing our friends. 

If they aren't generally a positive life force for you, then they don't meet the definition of a friend. It maybe painful, but making the decision to distance yourself, can be an act of self-care and self-love. 

Vice versa, it's important that we realise our role of being a good friend and we step up and act like the friends we want in our lives. 

Choose wisely — always!

The Three Basics of Friendship Psychology Today

Why Your Friends Are More Important Than You Think

Weekly Update

What a week! I've had a tough one. Firstly, hubby has been working away from home for most of the week. Secondly, I've felt lethargic and a little under the weather. It's really affected my energy levels. I felt like I was limping my way through the week to the start of the weekend finish line.

On the writing front, I somehow met my weekly writing target. I did miss a couple of days of writing and made up for it on other days which stressed me out no end. I wrote out my key information 'cheat sheet' and ended up with 4 pages for approximately 5,500 words! I hadn't realised I'd put so much detail into the story. I was somewhat impressed but somewhat concerned I'm making my story very complex with many open threads.

I'm very fortunate to have received sponsorship for a writing 1-2-1 mentoring session with Poorna Bell. She has a 21 year career in journalism and is a published fiction and non-fiction author. The sponsorship has come from the wonderful author Ruchika T. Malhotra. I'm feeling a lot. I'm so very grateful to be given this opportunity for which I couldn't justify the costs, given it's essentially a hobby. I'm also very excited but very nervous. I'm really suffering from imposter syndrome and my biggest worry is that I don't make full use of the session to learn everything I can about writing a novel. I'm not sure when the session will take place but I'm sure to write about it when it does!

I'm pleased to say I made it to the gym this week as planned. I definitely wasn't feeling it on Friday and I ached doing my session. Unfortunately, I didn't make my happy place of the swimming pool. There has been absolutely no meditation! It's like the most elusive thing for me...

I spent my first week in school and it was lovely reading and practicing phonic sound flashcards with the kids. I also got to spy a little on my youngest in school.

I said I couldn't take on anymore stuff but I've applied to be a letterbox pen pal befriender. I thought it would be the most flexible in terms of time commitment. I'm just waiting on references etc. to be checked before I can start properly.

This week, I've explored another option related to teaching. I don't know enough about it or if it's anything that will go anywhere. If and when I do, I'll pop it in the updates!

It's been a mixed bag of a week with some highs and lows. I'm hoping that I'll be on a more even keel next week and that my energy levels will return, so it feels less like I'm just muddling through.

As always, thank you for reading.